Who can help it? With awesome bachelors like Sebastian and Sam, it’s hard to want to play just to go fishing or grow some crops. Not all bachelors or bachelorettes are the best, though. Some are downright awful! And here’s our ranking of the worst-of-the-worst.
6. Elliott
Listen to me, before you get upset: Elliott was my first love. In my first playthrough I married him. But dearest reader, I’m telling you, he’s absolutely insufferable. There’s a reason he lives alone in the cabin. And that’s got nothing to do with his writing – nobody wants to live with the guy! He’d totally be the worst sort of roommate. As a spouse, he’s even worse. He asks the player if they’re ok on money rather than, you know, getting a stable job and helping. All he ever does is write and say weirdly poetic stuff. That’s not the move.
5. Maru
Maru isn’t a bad character, but she also isn’t particularly interesting. At neutral hearts of marriage, she says to the farmer that she hopes they’d still like her if she gained weight, pointing to her being insecure, which is not a great basis for a marriage. Maru is also always busy with experimenting and working at the clinic. So while she does bring something to the table, it certainly isn’t presence or availability. She’s so cerebral, having an argument with her would likely be more like mental gymnastics trying to prove a point!
4. Alex
First of all, Alex is totally in love with Haley. Which makes marrying him a little bit awkward. He’s totally reliant on you. For example, at a high enough heart level, he asks the farmer for five grand for a mystery project. That would be fine, but it’s just for a man cave! Finance you own man cave, man! He’s not particularly sweet after marriage either, focusing more on the farmer’s muscle growth than anything else. Gym bros are not ideal marriage material. So he’s number 4 on this list, and rightfully so.
3. Emily
You don’t marry crazy, and Emily isn’t normal. When your wife can talk to birds, goes on weird little dream trips, and acts like some manic pixie dream girl, it might be time to explore other options. This girl has expensive taste, too. To raise her heart levels enough to even marry her, you’re going to need to pour thousands upon thousands of dollars’ worth of precious jewels at her. That money could be better spent on almost ANYTHING else. As a wife, she’s surprisingly boring and domestic, too.
2. Haley
Urgh, Haley can be the worst. I know she gets better as her heart level raises. But she’s just so rude and standoffish that I can’t get past her attitude. She does a lot of chores around the house, sure, but you have to put up with a lot before she gets to that point. Haley is the quintessential mean girl trope. And I just can’t get behind that. Mean girls aren’t interesting characters, they’re just frustrating, and marrying them sucks.
1. Shane
Shane is, hands down, the worst character to marry in Stardew Valley. It’s a shame too. His heart events are really emotional and he had the capacity to be a super interesting character, but he’s just too dependent on the farmer – it’s unhealthy. In Shane’s story, you basically “fix” his alcoholism. To boot, he’s super gross – he burps a lot, bums around all day, and the most interesting thing about him is blue chickens. Mods could help here but only so much. So not worth it.
