In Dark Souls, we had the teethy Primordial Serpents. In Bloodborne, there was Patches the Spider. So, what kind of ridiculous and bizarre characters await you in The Lands Between? Despite the seemingly inevitable doom and gloom of Elden Ring’s story and various endings, there’s no shortage of fascinatingly odd characters in Elden Ring that can help break the tension and bring a smile to your face. Let’s meet some of the standouts.
10. Boc the Seamster
As a child, I was always a little more sensitive and culture-oriented than most of my peers. Most of the time, I felt like I was surrounded by savages. Boc the Seamster had a similar experience. For some reason, this Demi-Human thinks and acts much more civilized than his monkey-like brethren. According to him, it’s because his mother raised him that way – which begs the question, who was his mother? In any case, this gentle and respectful seamster is more than a little weird. Beautiful (at heart), but strange nonetheless.
9. Finger Reader Crones
“Your fingers, please, your fingers…” Finger Reader Crones can be found all over the Lands Between, usually close to bridges, waiting for a courageous hero who’ll lend them some fingers to read. These emaciated souls were once in service of the Golden Order, tasked with interpreting the will of the Two Fingers. After most of the Two Fingers perished, they seem to have progressively lost their purpose and, with it, their minds. These clairvoyant ladies look bizarre with no eyes, tiny bodies, and feet that have turned into hands. They only get weirder when they start begging to “read your fingers.”
8. Blackguard Big Boggart
In the Lands Between, everyone seems preoccupied with some lofty (or dastardly) goal. Some want to become Elden Lord, others want to take down the Golden Order, and the rest just have their hands full with surviving in these lawless lands. But not Big Boggart. This dude seems content with sitting around waiting for his prawn stew to finish cooking. He’ll engage in some petty thievery from time to time, but other than that, he just wants to grill (well, boil). Vulgar and profane, Big Boggart seems unbothered by Marika, the Erdtree, or the Elden Ring, making him a peculiar character in a world obsessed with power.
7. Dung Eater
The Dung Eater is a complex and mysterious character we never fully understand – but one thing is sure: the guy is absolutely bizarre. Let’s start with his name. This character loves reminding the player that he is the Dung Eater. To be called the Dung Eater, you need to eat dung – and that’s not even the most disgusting part about him. He’s also covered in sawed-off Omen horns – but considering that they’re on his armor and that he’s normal-human-sized, it’s unlikely that he’s an actual Omen. So, why is he even wearing that? Insane, macabre, and most likely a repeated sex offender, the Dung Eater is a blemish on the tapestry that is the Lands Between.
6. Patches the Untethered
Another character that I’ll gladly describe as a “blemish” on the world is Patches the Untethered. In Elden Ring, he claims to be Tarnished, just like you – but is he, really? Patches have been around in FromSoftware games since Demon’s Souls, growing increasingly more conniving and opportunistic with each game. Somehow, he manages to outlast gods, champions, and heroes – probably by tricking destiny with some sweet words and a little sleight of hand. This loathsome trickster is equally hated and loved by the fanbase.
5. Two Fingers
For obvious reasons, these envoys of the Greater Will couldn’t be missing from our ranking. It can be easy to ignore this, given how weird Elden Ring can get. But the entire religion of the Lands Between relies on these autonomous phalanxes for guidance. They can sway, wave, or grow stiff – and, if the Finger Readers are to be believed, every action holds a deeper meaning. Did they use to be part of a bigger whole? Have they enslaved the body parts of the giants? Why are the Three Fingers even crazier? The questions are endless with the Fingers, and nobody seems ready to answer them just yet.
4. Iron Fist Alexander
Remember the good old days when jars were just something you picked up and threw at the wall hoping to find some Rupees inside? Now, they’ve got arms and legs made of iron, charming British voices, and more fighting spirit than your average WWE performer. Iron Fist Alexander is Elden Ring’s version of the Onion Knights from the Dark Souls series. He has a cumbersome body, an endearing personality, and is so obsessed with a romanticized idea of battle that it distracts him from the world around him, leading to embarrassing situations. Alexander is one of the loveliest characters in the game, but also one of the weirdest.
3. The Great Jar
What could possibly be weirder than a sentient jar warrior? A giant, sentient jar warrior, of course! We know very little about The Great Jar guarding the coliseum in the rotting lands of Caelid other than the obvious: it’s powerful, holds some kind of authority, and likes to watch warriors in glorious combat. We hope the inevitable Elden Ring DLC will shed some light on this mysterious monolith.
2. Goldmask
One of the few characters that can match The Great Jar or the Dung Eater in terms of mystery – and weirdness – is Goldmask, a scholar of the Golden Order revered by many in the Lands Between. What has he found? What does he teach? In all honesty, it’s impossible to tell. All Goldmask does is stare at the Erdtree while holding a perfect T-Pose and wearing his iconic golden mask, which resembles the sun. Still, the more I look at him, the more I feel like he knows something I don’t… Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered.
1. Miriel, Pastor of Vows
FromSoftware has never shied away from using real-world religious imagery in their fictional worlds. Still, I have to hand it to them for putting a papal hat on a giant turtle and making it a serious, important character in Elden Ring’s story. Miriel fulfills three main roles in the game. The first is to share some exposition about Radagon, Rennala, and the miracle of washing away your sins with Celestial Dew. The second is to help interpret sorcery and incantation books and teach you the techniques within. The third? That’s just making you laugh out loud whenever you visit the Church of Vows. It’s a turtle pope, man. It doesn’t get any more absurd than that!
