Yes, this article is essentially a blogged Stardew Waifu War. And yes, I will maintain that my ranking is the best ranking, the most correct ranking. I don’t make these arguments lightly; it’s only that as a waifu connoisseur, I feel like I’m close to an authority on such matters. So without any further ado, this is the ultimate ranking of every bachelorette in Stardew Valley.
6. Haley
Haley is the worst bachelorette and it isn’t particularly close. She’s mean, and while she has her sweeter moments when you raise her heart level, it takes being bullied to even get there. “I don’t know you, why are you talking to me?” may be one of the most rage inducing lines in the game. She’s clearly against the farm life, finding the farmer gross at the beginning of their friendly relationship. And you can’t convince me that she suddenly gets this, like, paradigm shift or something. She’s selfish, mean, and just a mean girl stereotype with a crappy redemption arc.
5. Emily
Emily, like her sister, ranks low on this list. But for very different reasons: Instead of being mean, she’s so quirky it’s annoying. We get it. People love a manic pixie dream girl. But what they don’t love is a manic pixie dream girl that dresses like a grandmother, has weird bird dreams, and requires so many gemstones to romance that you might as well go into debt to make her love you. I have better things to do with all those rubies, diamonds, and emeralds than romance Emily. Granted, she deserves better than Clint – that guy’s just plain old creepy to her.
4. Maru
Maru isn’t a bad character. But she ranks a little lower on this list because there just isn’t very much to her. As a woman of science, Maru has a great head on her shoulders. And working as a nurse at Harvey’s Clinic is a great way to contribute to the household (though when married, I’ve yet to see a paycheck!) The only thing is, she lacks some social skills. She just isn’t very interesting (although maybe mods could help). And when contending with the likes of some of the other bachelorettes, unfortunately she loses some points.
3. Leah
Leah is super pretty and she’s interesting – artsy girls are great. She’s kind, has a keen interest in health, and is independent. Leah is someone I could actually sit and talk to for a while and not get bored, I think. But she doesn’t rank higher here because while she’s an interesting character, there comes a point where she seems to have a limit of interest. Her calling is art and sculpture. And while that’s great, it puts the character in too much of a box to be a frontrunner in the Stardew Waifu Wars, unfortunately.
2. Abigail
Abigail is definitely a fan favorite, and for good reason! She’s pretty, she’s fun, and she’s edgy enough to appeal to the fanbase. I just want to know if her hair is natural, man. If Caroline’s is naturally green, and Rasmodius’ is purple… you know where I’m going with this. Anyway, she’s also a total meme with her quartz-eating, which is why she ranks so highly. The fanbase loves their memes, and boy, so do I.
1. Penny
Penny is, without a doubt, the best waifu in Stardew Valley. She’s sweet, kind, cares about children, and absolutely adorable. And even putting those things aside, she lives with Pam – and she actually managed to come out of that living situation as a functional human being. Which takes a huge amount of mental fortitude. She’s absolutely fantastic, and deserves her spot as number one.
